About a month ago, a good thing happened to me. I got a new job, a new job making beer. Being paid to make beer is a goal I've worked towards for several months, so accomplishing it called for celebration. I celebrated with friends (as Christian documented a couple of posts ago), and I had my own celebration. A darker celebration. A celebration that I thought would fill a hole, but instead left me empty inside. I celebrated by cracking open a fat chick.
Now, before I go any further, allow me to clarify. The fat chick I cracked open wasn't a big human female (oh god, can you imagine how dark THAT would
have been?) The fat chick I cracked open was a Three Floyds' Big Behemoth Barleywine. I had heard about the Behemoth. She has a reputation for being bigger, fatter, and wetter than most you'll meet. I picked her up while on a short trip to Chicago with LGAT's good friend Mike "Gracious" Leikin (in case you're wondering, he's the real gracious type). Now if there is one thing I've learned about fat chicks, it's that the more you disregard them and pretend they aren't there, the more they try to impress you. So wanting her as wet as possible, I figured I'd throw this nasty girl in the closet for a couple of years, and see how she liked it.
So put yourself in my shoes. I had just landed my dream job, my balls were hangin' like a king's, and I was thirsty as all heck, so this fatty was just the feast that a young alpha wolf like me needed.
But bad news, guys. I had let this fat ass sit for too long. I knew there was trouble when the wax seal around her neck was cracked. Looks like mother nature got to her first. Oxidized her - tore her the heck open. She tasted like a dusty cardboard box. Moral of the story? Don't let your fat chicks sit around. There is nothing worse in the world than a dusty old fat chick.
-Erich
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